What is it, really, to be an angel on Earth?  Everyone has a different definition for this.  I’m sure it is safe to assume that for most people, an angel is someone that offers some immeasurable kindness or guidance.  Someone to point us in a direction we would likely not go on our own.  Maybe the path is frightening.  In the Bible, most appearances of angels from heaven were followed by some arduous task or journey.  Many times, those whom are visited are faced with difficult decisions; choices that will change the course of their life.  If I adopt that definition for myself than what happened to me on March 7th, 2012 was nothing less than a miracle, and God had sent me an angel.  She had been there, right in front of me, for years.  Our relationship, friendly, unassuming at first, but grew into a solid sisterhood of shared experiences, support, and love.  She was not much different from other friends who had often lent themselves to me over the course of my life, and my journey, as supportive, soft places to land in my desperation.  She was different after that day.  God had put in her heart a calling, and without much hesitation she followed it.  She is humble, and would not agree, but she became an angel on Earth for me that day.

A week had gone by since the devastating news of our failed donor egg IVF.  Everyone else’s life was beginning to go back to normal.  My parents went back to work, Hubby even regained some strength and moved on.  I was still left in a hole.  DR, my husband’s first cousin’s wife, a dear and cherished friend to me, invited me over her house to help her make empanadas.  She is a tiny little thing.  Beautiful although I fear she doesn’t know it.  She is small framed, has beautiful perfectly spiraled curly hair, straight brilliantly white teeth, flawless sun-kissed skin with a band of tiny freckles that bridges her nose, soft expressive chestnut colored eyes, and a fun loving laugh that can be easily mistaken for a scream.  I imagine her blushing as she reads this and realizes how closely I observe her.  She is kind, loving, funny, and fiery.  She’s Puerto Rican after all.  She’s also an amazing mother of three wonderful children, a hard working devoted wife, and balances all of that with a successful career and beautiful home.  She invites me over to keep me company and take my mind off of the desperation for a little while.

She layed out a delicious spread with cold cuts, breads, and salads for lunch and showed me how to make empanadas.  What better way to shut off the world than with food.  We talked about the cycle, we talked about adoption, we talked about emotions and what Hubby and I were planning next.  Then, as if she were asking about the traffic on the drive over, she asks me what I think about her “holding the baby” for me.  I must have had a blank stare, honestly I didn’t know what she meant.  I pictured her holding a baby in her arms that Hubby and I had just adopted.  With this image in my head, I thought her request was ridiculous, of course she could hold my baby.  That’s not what she meant.  “I want to carry the embryo for you, I want to give birth to your baby.”  I feel like my life flashed before my eyes.  I lost my breathe for a second.  My initial reaction however was clouded by the uncertainty of the legal implications of what she was offering.  “I think surrogacy is illegal in our state.”  In fact, it is.  But I thought to myself, the question is worth asking when I see my doctor again, which was scheduled in two days.  We didn’t talk much more about it, but I could tell we were both thinking about it.  The words had left her lips, perhaps to her own disbelief, and they were floating out there in the universe.  I felt a warm calmness come over me.  Somehow we were going to make this happen.

I went to the doctor for my follow up visit two days later.  All the while, in the back of my mind, I could not stop thinking about what DR had said to me.  Was she serious?  She couldn’t have been more sincere, but did she have any idea what she’d have to go through in order to do this?  It’s one thing to put yourself through an IVF cycle to have a baby, but to go through all of that, plus pregnancy and giving birth, just to hand the baby over to someone else, would she be able to do that?  All I could do was take her word for it and get the answers I needed.  I knew surrogacy was illegal, so I wasn’t too hopeful.

Meeting with the doctor was initially very frustrating.  She told me there was no medical reason why I couldn’t get pregnant and yet I sat in that chair after four years, and eight procedures, with nothing to show for it.  I wanted her to tell me they had found some terrible thing wrong with me, and with some treatment they could fix it.  All she said was that next time they would make some changes, next time they would want more embryos, next time this, next time that.  The look on my face must have been priceless.  I could feel it twisting and scrunching as she spoke about the plans for “next time”.  I just sat there, staring at her, and finally said, “There isn’t going to be a next time, I’m done”.

All I could think about was the pain of another failed cycle, my father’s face when we got the results of our pregnancy test, Hubby’s stress during the two week wait, and all the tears, tears, tears.  Not to mention, a new search for an egg donor and another $17,000 for a cycle, with absolutely no guarantee.  There isn’t going to be a next time.  The doctor immediately changed her focus.  She explained how every patient reaches their limit at different times and she respected me for doing as much as we did.  She brought to my attention the left over embryo we still had and that we could do the frozen embryo transfer whenever I felt ready.  Then I asked her.  I explained to her that I knew surrogacy was illegal but a close family friend had offered to carry the embryo for us and we weren’t even sure if it was possible.  She looked at me and smiled, “Surrogacy is illegal in this state, but what you’re talking about is not surrogacy.  Surrogacy is when a woman uses her own egg and your husbands sperm to get pregnant and give the baby to you.  Since we already have an embryo, and it is not genetically related to your friend, that is technically referred to as a gestational carrier, and that type of cycle is very much so legal in this state.”  My heart sank.  I could not believe what she was saying. I had already written this whole thing off as impossible.  I already told DR we couldn’t do it but that she was so kind for even offering.  Now I had to call her back and ask her how serious she really was because we could absolutely do this.  The doctor assured me the clinic would be happy to do the cycle.  She gave me information on the lawyer I would need to consult with to draw up a contract and put me in contact with the financial specialist at the clinic to work out the cost and insurance coverage.  I was so overjoyed I stood up and hugged the doctor.  During the darkest time in my life, I felt overjoyed.  When I pulled away from her, she had tears in her eyes.  “We want you to be a mother”.  With that, I took all my paperwork, skipped out of the clinic, and called DR immediately.

If I had announced that she just won the MegaMillions, I don’t think DR could have been more excited.  I told her everything the doctor had said.  I explained how the cycle would require her to take medication, injections, and go to a slew of appointments but I would be there with her every step of the way.  I asked her how she had it in her to even offer such a selfless thing to another person.  DR told me that when she heard our cycle had failed she was looking at herself in the mirror, thinking about her life.  She was not even thirty and had three amazing children who came very easily to her, a loving husband, a career that she loved, and a beautiful home.  She was blessed in every way she could imagine and she was so young.  She felt a need to express her gratitude, pay it forward sort to speak.  She said her heart ached for us, watching us go through hell to have a baby.  This was something she could do, to help two people she loved realize their dream, and give thanks for all the blessings she had in her life.  Tears were streaming down my face as she spoke.  God had truly put this in her heart, and it gave her a sense of calmness and peace.  The same feeling came over me as well.  This just seemed right, natural in a strange way, like it was meant to be.  Time would tell of course, but we were meant to go through this journey together.

We invited DR and her husband MR (Hubby’s 1^st cousin) over for dinner the next week to talk about everything.  We truly covered every aspect of this journey we were about to take together from the medication to who would be allowed in the delivery room.  MR had some concerns, as he should, and we discussed everything very openly and honestly.  We talked about money, we talked about how to explain this to their children, we talked about the risks, and how important it was that we all be on the same page in order for this to work.  They expressed their concerns about it not working and how we would feel about that, would we be angry at them?  Hubby and I both know there is no guarantee.  We are overwhelmed that they would even offer to help us, we would in no way be angry with them no matter what happened.  We know that DR was not about to take up smoking, drinking, and a heroin addiction while pregnant with our baby, there is nothing she could do to screw this up.  If it doesn’t work, if she doesn’t get pregnant, or if she miscarries, we will all be sad but we would never blame them.  I expressed my concern about their marriage.  I could not let this be something they argued over or let break them up.  The pressures of pregnancy can have an effect on a marriage even when it’s your own baby.  Knowing they were doing this for Hubby and I, I could only go through with it if they were a team, bound together and strong.  “This has to be something that brings you closer together as a couple, and not break you apart”.  We all put our cards on the table.  We laid everything out with complete honesty.  After six hours sitting at our dining room table we finally came to a decision.  We were going to move forward with the cycle and do our best to explain it to their children, and given we would all still be on the same page, we were going to do this.  Together, the four of us were going to make a baby.

The next steps were to go back to the clinic to talk about cost.  If we couldn’t get insurance coverage we would not be able to afford to do the cycle and pursue adoption.  We were afraid to put any large amounts of money into a cycle that guaranteed us nothing, when we had already made the decision that we would definitely adopt.  We knew adoption would be obscenely expensive but would at least guarantee us a baby.  Based on conversations DR initially had with her insurance carrier, the cycle would indeed be covered.  After speaking with the financial specialist at the clinic, we learned we could not use DR’s insurance at all since Hubby and I were the intended parents.  The good news was that Hubby’s insurance would cover the costs from initial visit through to delivery with a few requirements.  First we needed a doctors recommendation that a gestational carrier cycle was the only way medically I could have a baby.  In this case, my Type 2 Diabetes would come in handy.  Although I could manage my T2D very well, there were still very serious risks in pregnancy.  Since my body was not responding to pregnancy (not getting pregnant at all) this put us in a good position for a doctor to agree that the best way for us to become parents was to use a gestational carrier.

The next thing was to contact the reproductive lawyer.  I was able to arrange an initial phone call with their office where I learned what the legal costs would be.  We would have to have a contract in place, legal action to ensure mine and Hubby’s name would be on the birth certificate as parents, and legal representation for DR to review the contract and make sure she understood it.  This would cost us a total of $5800.  Certainly not chump change but not enough for us to change our minds about moving forward.  If the cycle, meds, pregnancy, and delivery could be covered by insurance and all we would be responsible for was legal fees and copays, we could absolutely do this.  Once all of the monetary issues are worked out, we sit back, relax for the summer, and wait until after DR’s 30th birthday and we come back from our much needed Mexican vacation in July.  If by then, we still have a green light, I suspect DR will start medication in August and the transfer will be sometime in September.  Making for a potential due date sometime in June of 2013.

If we are blessed to have a baby then, we will be on the other side of a five year journey to parenthood.  My future self, the part of me that is an active mother with a child in her arms, I imagine, will look back on that journey as something truly amazing.  A powerful and emotional chunk of my life that was more difficult and more challenging; more empowering and more beautiful, than any other time in my life.  Perhaps more than any other time in my life to come.  A five year span of my life that permanently changed me and my husband; my parents and my family.  A five year span of my life where we learned what selflessness truly was, and what love truly means.  All of it, as difficult and unbearably painful as it was, completely and utterly worth it.  I imagine myself looking down into the eyes of my child; mine because I am their mother, not because of any shared DNA, and having this sense of soothing awareness as I softly whisper, “you were worth every second.”